historical purging and mental disfigurement

Circumstance and environment; history and disfigurement, they can change a lot.

What it means to forget to eat for an anorexic — with all that twisted circumstance and environment of solitude; all the historical purging and mental disfigurement… it means so much.

It’s not the physical rewards – one day will change nothing. It’s the mental voice that creeps in and gives you a beautiful embrace. Starts singing and skipping beside you; touches your cheek and whispers how easy was that?! This road is not hard and long; it is free and clear. Look how beautiful. How artistic. How clean, empowering, detoxifying, energizing and SEDUCTIVE it is … to forget.

Like an addict, so much like an addict, the offer is never for a limited time. The craving to fall stays with you, through every day and every night. Its there when you wake and when you fall asleep. Its there when you are stressed, happy, tired, excited, anxious, proud, ashamed … it’s there within and without. It lives on the lips of the ones you love and you search for it in strangers.

All it takes is one day. One moment. And your back there. That is the most frightening thing about addiction, mental illness, anorexia, bulimia, self-harm, anxiety …. You can work your whole life to heal – go to therapy, rehab, retreats, yoga classes, information evenings; talk to those you trust and those with whom there is a recognition. You can work through the hurt, make yourself cry so much there is nothing but wishes for grief left.

And yet.

One moment, and it all feels like it’s been violently ripped away. And you know what> you don’t weep. You don’t scream and feel failure. For that first moment, you feel … liberated. You sigh. You think, oh-thank-god. I can let go.

Taking hold again gets harder, every time. Every goddamned time. That’s when the anger comes and the painful, invisible tears and the screams. That’s when you hate yourself for not loving yourself and you want to hide, give up, turn back and let go for GOOD.

How the hell am i still here?

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