Stop the Flashing Lights

I still get these, these … flashing lights. Something deep in my neural pathways that’s telling me – it’s not okay. You’re not okay. When the lights flash, reality is so broken. I feel broken. All the hope and love that I build throughout the day – watching my children play and say please and eat their broccoli – feeling the ease in my yoga practice – walking out of a lecture theater feeling a little bit wiser – being embraced by someone my soul aches for – yet all that is damaged. And the hope doesn’t linger. Hopelessness can be so crippling. I worked so fucking hard to keep the hope. I gave everything of myself to keep it. Flash. It’s gone.

 

I hate those moments. And they do linger.

 

Like cigarette smoke in your clothing. I walk around after, tainted. I feel like people can smell my fear. I feel alone; like someone whom it pains others to see. I reek of desperation and complication. I have dreamed since a child to be simple. Black and white. What you see is what you get.

 

Yet … what I see has never been okay. What others see has never been okay for me. Its crippling, you know. To feel so busy yet remain so empty. I want to fill myself up. I want to be full.

But still empty. What will it take, do you think? I’ll take the exhaustion. I’ll take the pain and the trials and the mistakes and the sleepless nights. Just fill me up.

 

Stop the flashing lights.

If you ever ask …

 

If you ever ask me about love, I will tell you you taught me how. You brought the clarity and grace. You are Love.

Even when we cry, that’s love gone too far.

Even when we hate, that’s love gone to fear.

And even when we leave, that is love come too near.

 

If you ever ask me why you have two homes, i will tell you it was for love.

We cried, your dad and I, when love went too far.

We used words like hate, but we were afraid.

Even when we left, it was to protect the love … for You.

 

If you ever ask me why I didn’t eat with you, I will lie.

I‘ll lie so I don’t cry.

I’ll hide the words of hate that keep me hidden.

I will leave things unsaid when you come too close.

 

If you ever ask me about life, I will ask you to teach. You brought the clarity and grace. You are Life.

Even when you cry, that’s life gone too far.

Even when you hate, that’s life gone to fear.

And even when we leave, that’s life come too near.

 

If you ever ask me …. I will send you home.

the words come from Love

from Life

from Fear

The words, my dear, come from You.

 

Sian Alexia