it’s not easy to die

“It’s not easy to die
No matter how done you are you eventually rise” – JJ

How so very, bitterly true. There are so many days as a mother, as an anorexia survivor/sufferer/awareness activist … As a tiny being … that I get to the end of the day, and I’m so done. I actually don’t know how my bones are not splintering. It feels as though they are. I don’t know how I made it to bed; The place feels so alien. I don’t know how I kept them alive. Keeping myself alive feels like the knifes edge.

Its not easy to die. No.

Not when the people you love, you love so completely. You see their lives spanning before you – my children, my parents, my family, my lovers and my friends – I see them all and my skin itches, it craves … I feel the need to keep them whole. Steal away their darkness. Help them to shine. The compelling lilt on the tongue of surrender must be ignored. It must be tamed. I must be alive.

No matter how done you are, you eventually rise. Yes.

No matter how done I am. I rise. I rise for the love. There is nothing, nothing else.

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