So often in my life I’ve had this urgent, screeching, potent voice that glides over my shoulder blades – back and forth – “YOUR BACK IS BREAKING. THROW IT ALL IN.” It’s the moment where I panic. I’m anxious and so fucking afraid. I feel like this circus trained elephant, riding a unicycle and juggling expensive crockery – one second of lost attention, one breath out of place – and its over. A career. My finances. My small framed fame. Life. Is over. The pressure is overwhelming, all consuming.
It makes me want to quit …. Everything. I’m all or nothing. If I quit one thing, they all must go. I might as well quit good and proper. Go out with a bang.
I guess …. That perfectionism; that determination to be all or nothing – see’s me fighting on, cups smashing at my feet, shards digging into the small of my back, as I stumble through the peaceful lands of what I seek. I wake everyone up – I’m not soothing or vital like I’ve always so wished I could be. But I’m still there. The circus opens for another day – and god knows I cant give it up.
It takes. Takes and takes and takes and takes. But the more that is taken from me – the more sure I am, that it is not what you are given in this life, but what you give, that keeps us truly alive.