I am confronted today. Confronted with a stark realization of how memory works. so we feel and experience things … that’s the good stuff. Reality. Whats occurred to me though is that most of us spend our precious time lingering in the memories of those moments. Hell, we even think about what the memories will be like while we’re still in the moment. And its corrupt! it’s stealing us from all there really is.
Okay … that was too much too soon. even for me. Typing and thinking at the same time is a dangerous art.
Today i revisited a place where I lived for about 4 years with my former partner and the father of my two children. The house that we moved into when i got pregnant, beholding a miracle that none of us could quite grasp. The home that we brought our babies home to – where I nursed them through the night and made floral canvases for their rooms. The …. setting… to which everything fell apart.
But the place is gone. Yes, the house stands. But this place that I had built up in my head – tied up in a web of complicated and tormented emotions, swamped by snap shots of bliss and backdrops of long, lonely nights – hasn’t survived. Looking at this house from the street, i felt the echo of loss and the little infant cries that stir my blood, but I couldn’t see anything in the bricks nor the garden that lived up to the canvas prints my mind had drawn. Everything had changed … but it wasn’t the new grass in the back yard or the new paint on the garage that made the place seem different …. it was me. I am different – and my memories have been bent out of shape as I follow a new path.
Like a small child, looking up at a merry-go-round and seeing this looming carousel of magic – then returning as a teenager and finding only rusted bars and splintering wood; I have grown. I was once so small in that house – and to get through the nights I created art in my memories to try and make sense of the fear and give it a cause. But now, I feel I have outgrown all those frames….
…I can look across the street and see a house. One I used to live in. One i had called home.
But is home no more.