Once I lived for why.
Now I live for not
a clue as to why my time here
shall end. Shall start. Shall
cease when the ceaseless days arise
The tail end of promised
grace is bitter;
lifeless like life is;
as meanings are
This time of year is so charged with energies – some good, wholesome and warming; others anxious, woeful and overwhelming. I can feel it everywhere, even early in the morning drinking coffee before the kids have woken. I can sense changing air – all these beings with stirrings beneath the flesh, like distant static clouding over our streets. It’s one time of the year we can actually see and appreciate the end and beginning of moments – the close of a year and the birth of a new one. All meaning something different to each of us. It’s not the holidays or celebrations themselves that charges people – its the energy that emits from each of our perspectives – the footprints of memory creeping up the spine; the drumming of expectation tingling in fingertips. Some of us will be grateful to see an end and seize the new. Others will mourn for the year that has been and fear the next.
I, for once, don’t feel the push and pull of emotions this year. As if suspended off the ground in a transparent bubble, it feels as if I can watch everything around me with eyes closed, and silently let it all go. Many Christmas’ I have spent measuring myself up against the past, many new years’ I have wasted wishing to never wake up. Resisting the tides of change. Fearing that I will stay the same.
But this year, I look over the past year and simply sigh. Though so fraught with change and decisions on a scale I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced, I know the the endings and beginnings happen every day, and will continue to without regard to the date on the calendar. Just knowing I am changing, moment by moment, in line with the universe around me, gives me release. I can’t dread a future that I cannot see. I can’t regret a past that I cannot touch. All I can do is watch. Stay open. Feel the energy that never ceases, and contribute in the most peaceful way possible.
The first word in my mind as I stepped into a manic shopping mall today wasn’t chaos. Wasn’t distaste or even discomfort. It was Gratitude. here i am in this unfair, unguided universe of flux and matter – and I’m living. I have a family to give gifts to; friends to clink glasses with. My children believe in magic and will be visited by it – able to wake up and feel utter bliss in their fairy tale. I have so so much. I am so grateful.
I took a silent moment when I got back to my car as I thought about how little some do have. I don’t believe in new years resolutions, but my heart did make a silent promise to the universe in that moment. A promise that my gratitude shall one day be spread – through words, labor or intention – to those who have less. My life will lead me to some unknown shores, but no matter where I am – there will be always be a chance to keep my promise.
Merry Christmas to all. Namaste.