so, there’s going to be a new flavour to these posts. I’m opening my heart to Mindfulness and some dharma philosophy – basically uncurling from the foetal position that I had assumed for …. Well, let’s just say many, many years … and am stretching out – slowly, gradually – physically through yoga poses and mentally through the thoughts and sensations that turning inward and questioning beliefs about myself naturally produces. Losing myself, and planning to come back her.
Today I spent most of the afternoon calling out for help. Help for a decision, a feeling that I am not too sure how to move forward with. I went to family, I called the therapist, I called my nurse … basically I wanted guidance. Reassurance. Some kind of knowledge that was superior to my own. And I failed to get anything to help. The therapist was overwhelmed with pre-semester stress back-log. My nurse couldn’t see me until next week. And my lovely, loving and kind family were only able to offer me their own minds – which unfortunately only serves to cloud my own. For a few moments I got off the phone and felt distant panic. I need someone to tell me what to do! – she thought. I’m going to stuff this all up and it will be all my fault! She worried. But then …
… I’ve come to see that this is exactly the opportunity for learning that I am trying to open up to. Yes, not being able to externalize my inner conflict and insecurity right now is uncomfortable and scary. My usual reaction is always to go to someone or something else and get them/it to make the decision for me or allow me to stuff the decision down somewhere deep into the depths of me where I can pretend to pretend its not there, and allow it to fester. But today I am not going to do that. I’m going to chose to stay with this discomfort. Choose to stay. I’m going to sit down, and breathe. I’m going to acknowledge the conflict I’m feeling, sit with it a while. Trust myself. Trust that there is going to be a decision made, there is going to be movement forward, even if I can’t see how right in this moment. This is an opportunity to get through this with only myself as a guide, and realize that being guided is pretty much an illusion. The decision is mine whether I let other people’s thoughts in or not. But if I can make it without trying to avoid responsibility or mask my part in the process, I can take ownership of myself and my actions and be free from the constricting echo’s of doubt and shame and guilt that come with thinking that I ‘can’t do this’. Learn to stay.
I doesn’t feel pleasant but it tastes of freedom. Just a hint, like the tail end of spice that was added with a pinch.
My choices are my own. My thoughts, feelings and actions are my own. I cannot escape the pain, I can only sit with it. Deal with it. Allow it in and allow it to pass. It will. Nothing is permanent. All is temporary.
I choose to stay.