who am I?

We all have an “identity” right ? we have it poured into us from early life how unique we are and how we should accept the good and bad parts that make up who we are. Yet here I am, in my mid twenties, asking myself where it all went so wrong.

It seems I live in a world so rife in hypocrisies and its having devastating affects –  a society that is silently stripping away any sense of self we are left with after surviving the transition from girl to woman. The good should be utilized beyond our own desires and the bad parts should be covered, hidden, treated. Doctors will prescribe to kill parts of who we are, media will expose “unsavoury” ideals and condemn us if we identify with them, and our peers – our friends and our family – will look down on us if we embrace the bad and try and Be …..untainted.

Today, it seems, we are over-analyzed and under-valued – thus the modern illnesses flourish. Anorexia, depression, addiction – they all thrive under this so called “cultured, modern society” and they all make victims of those who lose sight of their sense of self and crumble under the weight of expectations. And this world expects too much.

What happened to these youthful hopes we were planted with of being real and whole no matter what shape size or IQ we are? What happened to celebrating achievement – being given gold stars for effort and dressed in fancy dresses even if we got them stained and trodden on?

What happened to our identity and when did become so public? Our private selves now seem to wither and rot beneath this surface, material based world as we are driven to strive for perfection, to idealize someone else’s identity – something completely unattainable.

I have lost a friend to bi-polar and it’s watch-dogs, watched my mother struggle beneath the claws of addiction and felt my own heart disintegrate within wretched grasp of anorexia  – I know how devastating disconnection with the inner self can be. I am bitter and resentful and ashamed of this world for cultivating these illnesses and then condemning them as weaknesses.

Yes, Maybe if the world was different I would still love to starve, and my mother would still crave and cry, and Lea would still be gone  …. But at least there would be more Hope for an alternative. For a life geared toward embracing the bad in ourselves, letting it out onto the world and having it given back to us as a seed for better days to grow out of.

I wish there was a safe haven from all this hypocrisy – a sheltered place far from judgement and violence toward the alternative minds  where I could send my children and save their true selves from disappearing … But these days, that place is only a white padded cell where all the noise continues but is driven out of the world and into ones head – where we can’t be seen or heard and we can die alone. A place where there is no dreams for children.

What happened to us? It might be just me …. But I still close my eyes each night seeing nothing but disappointment. What could have been is gone and now we have to fit into a world where there is never enough space. A world that distinguishes between the nobodies and somebodies and there is no in between. A world where we must wear a label, fit a category or wear a invisible mask of indifference to survive. We must be self-less and cold or be shunted as selfish and ill.

Some would call it educated but I call it diseased , this world. What happened ….

Who am I ?