what does it feel like?
It’s nausea, lying in wait just to the left of my brain. Its there, I can feel the cold fingers peppering me before the feast – but I twist and squirm against it . As if i have a choice.
Its physical illness, and it terrifies my core. Turned away, curled inward as a fetus,
I see only it’s shadow – like catching my abuser as they stand over me – too stunned and scared to turn or run. I’m static under it’s violent gaze and i will suffer a haunted life in consequence.
It feels like hopelessness and desperation.
It feels like coming down off a drug, scared and dilated and cold. It feels like a heart, a mind, a life …all thumbed down into nothing but a brief Depression on the surface of life – an unfortunate imperfection.
I will battle every day to be a mother first and a broken woman while he sleeps.
Never ever ever should there be any assumptions in the disordered world of mental illness. Assumptions will kill..
You think you can know my cause ?
Walk to the end of this earth and lose a little piece of yourself; rip from your breath a chunk of vitality and watch it crumble with the soil beneath, Gone. Lost. Taken. Pinch off your fingernails and feed them to the ant trails..
.. Then come back to me. Know my cause. Speak to me in this violent tongue, voice raised above the white noise – and we’ll understand . You . And I.
But then you’ll never get it back – your Self, your Vitality, Your blood sweat and nails. it will be Gone. Lost. Taken.
And you can’t Help me anymore.
Sian Alexia (Me)
This day. Where everything’s too loud, too big, too hard.
A glance in the mirror shatters my world into insignificant little puddles of mirth. Today I want to cease to be thus.
A touch of my side cripples my hand, the tremors of self-hatred steal my poise. Today I Plead to cease to be thus.
A voice, screaming in clarity, steals my Hope, and Today – I can’t. I cease to be thus.
“when the mothers start to shatter, then everything just comes undone” – Tori Amos
We must keep ourselves together, even when the tides themselves seem to pull at our limbs.
We must keep ourselves upright, even when the earth itself seems to tilt us to submission.
We must keep ourselves nourished, even when the child itself seems to suck dry our hearts.
We must keep ourselves whole, for as alone as we may seem, we are needed, together.