This manic world

So this time of my life has lost all baring on sanity and expectation. Insane and unexpected. That is the Now.

How did I get here ?

When I left school, I was so sure I was going to become this super slim university star, straight A’s , post-graduate degree, off to travel and save the world one starving nation at a time. I had the means – the scholarship, the passion, the support – Only one thing let me down.

My health. My mental illness, it stole those dreams.

No. that’s wrong. I single-handedly self-destructed in the face of those dreams because I was too scared of the real me – the girl who would never ever be worthy of Greatness. The girl who will mean nothing but white noise.

I thought those dreams were still possible though. Somehow I would maintain this balance between anorexic haze and super-successful in the face of all my doubters. ‘Maybe I’ve changed’. ‘Maybe I’m not Her anymore.’

No.

 

I’m ‘all of a sudden’ 24 years old with a 13 month old child, and ….

No.

Yes.

Really; that’s me now. No inpatient dorm room. No university dorm room. No aeroplane to the Africa’s. No photographs with black hats and scrolls. No self-awarded gratification for starvation that feels like air. No.

 

I want all that. Some of it unsavoury, some Bitter. I want all that.

I wanted to be so different from everyone else that I had magazine articles written about me. I wanted doctors to study me long and hard and find me intriguing. I wanted to reach out and make the lives of the less fortunate better, even so slight as to bring them back to water. I wanted to be the thinnest girl anyone had ever seen and still be alive, successful, enigmatic. I wanted people towonder about me and think I was crazy but beautiful; Too thin but stunning in her own right.

I wanted that so bad. I want that so bad. So bad that when I think about it I forget about everything else and see only that golden chalice. Begging me to Win. I forget family; forget responsibility. I forget hospitals and failures and cages and ropes that bind. I forget it all and I imagine the supreme satisfaction that could have been mine. Must be mine, If I am to survive this ….. Manic world.

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