End Credits

{Exhaust [ig záwst]
1.   tire somebody out: to make somebody feel very tired or weak

2.   use something up: to use up all that is available of something

3.   try out all possibilities: to try out or consider every one of a number of possibilities

4.   say everything about something: to say or write everything about something, so that nothing is left to be discussed

5.  drain something of its resources: to draw off or use up all the resources contained within something  }

“When the blood dries in my veins and my heart feels no more pain”

 

I am exhausted. Exhausted from all the questioning, the searching, the trying. My mind is Exhausted, my body, my soul. My heart has no beat left to fend for itself. “ I know I’ll be on my way to Heavens door”
Truth be near, there is so little we can do once our emotions drain. There is no refuel station once we run out of happiness – no sugar fiend energy drink or white smoke Cocaine, just as there is no pesticide when the sadness takes too much, no curtains to pull or eyes to close. “I know when I knock,  I’ll be hoping I don’t drop”
Our bodies are amazing things  – made to endure hardship, heal wounds and fight for their survival“to a place where I will Rise Like before” but all this is useless. Proven a mockery when my mind has no such brute. It’s not strong enough, too long violated and too late for redemption.
“I can feel something happen that I’ve never felt before”

 

Can we beckon an end or are we forever condemned to deny it ? Is that not the human condition? I feel the end is nigh , yet I fear the end is nigh. Survive but cease living …. I live in the spaces in between what lives. “hopeless Dreaming starts, Dragging me away from heavens door

 

Its exhausted. Weakened. Empty. Impossible. Nothing. Drained. “when my heart stops beating  and my lungs stop breathing in air”
Gone. “I hope somebody Cares”

 
Sian Alexia
(Lyrics Courtesy of Chase and Status – End Credits)

 

Shadows of a Non-existent self

I wrote your name in dust on a truck
As it rolled out of town
Just in case my love for you might be found
I cried my tears in a mountain stream
They’ll sting you one day
I called your name in a giant cave
It echoes to this day

So sister, you’re hearing how I miss her
But I don’t think that she’s hearing my calls
So sister, you’re hearing how I miss her
But I don’t think that she’s hearing my calls
No I don’t think that I’m helping my cause

I wrote our names on a subway wall
Just in case you call
I rent a room and its just for two
But where are you?”

The Verve – So Sister


I’m having trouble. I will not deny it, though I will not seek resolve.
“S, You are always helping others, so good to talk to, its hard to believe you can be sad
I have heard this. heard it with solemness, fear, regret, pride … even smugness. nearly all of the anyones who know this no one have commented on Her tendency to hide away behind this wall of “helping others” because she doesn’t know how to help herself. Doesn’t know how … and cannot seek to know how. Doesn’t know how, and does not want to know how.
Mum, you think that my dreams of volunteering my hands to Africa and and my soul to dying children worlds away –  trying to  save the world in some way is selfish, all a part of this too …. this desperate, underlying need to fix something to compensate for what I cant fix within myself…whats broken so long unseen and seen too late. A shattered mess of life.
and its true.
I feel sad, I write about it.  I feel sick, I get diagnosed and medicated. But … I never, not once, have looked into the depths of myself and tried to help her. That girl who is struggling, she … doesnt exist. The world around me is bold and beautiful as long as I’m not in it… as long as I am standing from afar, an anonymous admirer. not me, not in it. Not existing.

SO sister  …. I don’t think that Im helping my cause …

Sian Alexia