Today is not such a good day in my world. It started waking in Fear, and then from there Fear transformed into Terror – Fast.
Yes, I think Terror is the right word today.
I thought that Fear came from being threatened – that Fear was something easy to manage and treat as it is just a human nervous response to a threat. Yet…. This Fear does not feel like a side effect. It does not feel like it can be managed or treated. The Terror seems to have its own ground and everything else inside me thus has become a side effect .
Its Nauseous – I feel physically sick, shaken, wired. Blurred.
I keep holding my head in my hands as waves soar through my head, and I feel as if the thoughts will single-handedly kill me. The thoughts Terror brings and violent. They demand blood and demand my blood Now.
What am I so scared of? What is the threat that sits at my borders, mocking and taunting, begging to materialize itself ….. to clean out my soul. Ripped piece by piece … What is it?
Why do I no longer trust my own mind – why am I terrified of its voice. I feel it manifesting poison, can smell it leaking through my lungs. My air is intoxicated, strangling, impure. Why can I no longer trust my own two feet? Why can I no longer feel …. safe?
I think I know the answer, I think the terror is me. I thInk the Fear, is me.
I am Scared of Myself. Threatened by the one thing I can never escape. And that, right there, is what makes it so Terrifying.
Sorry if this post is a little black – Just needed to get that feeling out, look at it and examine it, try to understand what it is …