swinging pendulum

I am actually having a really good day ….. shock of the day right?!

It is hard right now though, you know? Now I am not sure what to do, because the Fear is taking over telling me that if I am not careful , it will go – that feeling of just , good – and it wont come back and I will be left with this empty shell of anger, hurt , loneliness and ….. Terror.

ugh, yup, I can already feel it draining away as my mind takes over and dispels any goodness. My mind is my worst enemy … it works against me. Until the day that I can turn against my own mind , and listen to others before myself, I am fighting a losing battle.

there is so much in life that should make you smile. But i guess smiling isn’t the issue. I mean, i can look out the window and see a beautiful cloud, and smile and think, that’s nice, listen to a crazy song that makes me chuckle, and grin when looking down at my cat purring like a motor. But it is after the smile that I am concerned about. Ib despite of the beauty in this life, I am still able to back down into darkness and loneliness. I let all those things mock me – but are they? No. really I think they are offering themselves to me while I turn my head and listen to my infected mind tell me that they are mocking me, telling me I will never be good enough to enjoy and appreciate these things, that I cannot smile, and mean it …

Corollary of a smile. that will be my next piece I write ….


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