I have thought of a theory and I really need to tell you all about it…. so listen , or well, don’t listen, it’s probably all rubbish, but Hey! Here I am …. writing it here ….
I think that the one thing that helps this illness thrive is secrecy and privacy and all that fucking denial. ….
We all look at these things like they are subsequent and just outcomes of all this shitty illness. But they are also causes. they are what I like to call the tools of the trade.
Awareness, reality, truth, honesty, company.
How many of you got shivers and bowed your heads as you read these words? or just thought, God damn it Sian why do you have to dig up my demons every time?
well, they are the words , the things that we all need to re-introduce back into our lives. They are the things that will help you recover and help you stop all the pain …. and there is so much pain .…
So what I am I actually saying? I am saying that people around you need to be aware, need to be told what you are going through so they can see the signs and know what helps you and what doesn’t before it is too late.
YOU need to face up to reality, the real stuff that you spend all day hiding from. Like me, today, hiding from the fact that I miss my friends and I hate the fact that one of my high school friends has just been killed and I knew nothing about it until after the funeral was over …. yeah, I am avoiding life. where the fuck is reality in that?
You need truth and honesty, because without it? you are going to be forgotten, to yourself. it is truth and honesty that give you core, without them, you are no one. You will wake up one day and be completely lost, and unfamiliar, and scared. You will regret every lie you ever told and there will be nothing that you can do about it because it will be too late. No one will know the truth of you , because there will be no truth in you at all. And trust me, no one wants to go there ….
Company. People around you, people who love you, are the chains that keep you linked to this earth and alive. They are the chains that keep you locked away from the dangerous sides of yourself and the shitty sides of life. There are always going to self-destruction and there is always going to be fucking shit ass sides to life, but there is also always going to be chains, chains of love. And you have to let company in, because without it , you are alone. And alone, the illness has you in its grasp.
The illness hates all these words, because fuck , it wants you to be alone and it wants you to be dead and it wants you to be failing. Failing life, failing everything. It wants you dead.
So you want to end up dead? I know the answer to that. You don’t. Until you have actually been lying on your death-bed, which I have and I am not saying that for dramatic effect and if you think I would lie about something like that you deserve no respect from me….. until then , you don’t know anything about it. Because I guarantee you, in that moment, you would give ANYTHING not to die. give ANYTHING to survive.
I don’t know about you, but I think privacy and isolation allow the illness to thrive.
As soon as it is illuminated in a public sphere, it loses it’s strength.
I think the more you put it under the spot light and get it out in the open, the less control over you it has.
that’s my theory. Don’t judge me.