Diagnosed Chronic anorexia. We knew this. Diagnosed Chronic Depression. I knew this. Diagnosed periodic Insomnia (haha, that sounds made up). I knew this too.
I took my first dose of 60mg fluoxetine, brand name – Prozac. OMG – there are fairies, flowers, lights…. THE WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE!
Ok, I was kidding, if you didn’t pick up on the large undertow of sarcasm.
For years, ever since I was old enough to take antidepressants, different doctors have been encouraging me to take them. I have heard every different explanation and reasoning in the book, “they take the edge off life” , “they make everything more manageable”, “they make your mind more accessible to treatment” – and it has never convinced me.
I am not against antidepressants, in people where the problem is isolated to Depression, Yes – I think they are great, well researched drugs that have a lot to offer. However, in cases, such as myself, where the core issue is a disease – my anorexia – with Depression as a consequence ….. I have little faith that drugs are the answer, for me.
I have always felt I do not fit into the little boxes they tick to diagnose certain things – My disease is so radically different from the next person, and so too is my experience with Depression.
I am Depressed. But i am depressed because of what Anorexia has done to my life, and I should feel shit about it. For the more Depressed I become , the more I realize how fucking terrible the last 6years have been and how much I cannot go through another 6 like them. That is my reality.
If the Depression is masked, made to feel easier to deal with and the edges of Depression ease and soften – what is going to scare me into recovery? would it not just make it easier to avoid this disease and fool myself into thinking that as long as I am popping pills, life starving and destroying my body can be sustainable?
Is Prozac not offering me an escape from the brutal reality? And in doing that , Will Prozac not have a hand in my own eventual suicide?
Hmmm. I am sure many wont understand the way my mind works. But…. I feel like even more of a hypocrite right now. Here I am saying all this in refusal to take the drug, yet, I am on it as I type. Lol. Ironic.
But, what the hell right? I am in so much pain every day, I am willing to try anything to ease it, even if just ever so slightly. So – what the hell….. why not.
I have also been given vallum to sleep – but the bitch only gave me 10?! 10…. what a joke! But yes, they are highly addictive and also put me at slight risk of worsening my arrhythmia …. but 10?! I am going to have to sort some scam to get more…. must be a black market somewhere in NZ.
Plus, took one at 9 last night. Got to sleep about 12am. woke up at 2:30am, then slept about 3am – 5;30. Grand whopping total of 4 hours. God – what amazing sleeping pills….. have to take a few more tonight I am thinking.
Ironically – I am reading Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel … fitting…. If you haven’t – READ IT – its a great read about Depression and a girls struggle against life – true story – really good book.