guilt, shame, sorry

I am sorry for so much that I have done in my life, so much pain that I have caused, I wonder if i am really proud of anything? I wonder if there is anything that I can look back on and think, well, that was good, and you did it, so that made you a good person. I know I am not a bad person, but I don’t feel like I am good either. blank. That is a good word to describe me and my life I think …. well – seems not as there has been plenty of fire works, passion and pain, but through it all I have been blank, born blank, live blank, blank blank blank.

I am proud to have the mother that I do, she is my world and she is the one person in this life that I look up to and know her heart is true and full. But that is nothing to do with me, all I have done is hurt that already bruised and battered heart.

I am proud to have the father that I do. He has loved me , so unconditionally. Barriers of pain, difference, and unspoken words never kept him away. and for that …. how do I repay him? He doesn’t deserve the darkness of my flight.

I have helped friends, but who hasn’t ? I have written stuff, but who cares?

I haven’t ever done anything that will make me remembered. And once that was all that I wanted for my life. I guess part of me accepts my life as a failure already even though it’s not over yet ?


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