Fearing my Desire

as anyone ever noticed a moment when what you thought was your deepest Fear, becomes one in the same with Your deepest desire… a fatal harmony between what drives your passionate wanting, and what receeds your heart into darkness. That feeing of two minds – one way something is glorious, but in another, horrid. A crisp red apple that once bitten has a rotten core. How can beauty become so ugly? how can two conflicting states of being be bound by the same mind?

The thorn prick of a beasutiful rose. The bruised face of a lover. The war medals hang from a war widows neck.

Death. Death was and is my deepest Fear. Not pain, not blood, but Death. Gone. Lost. The End. Cold. Gone. The Fear binds me slowly, pulls too tight and brings tears. It shadows my every move, daring me. Daring me to look. the Fear turns to terror until death consumes my mind….

…but somewhere in that consumption ….

Death became Peace. My inner longing for Peace, In Fear of Death, became only possible through that same Death…. terror and relief find uncanny harmony. it is …. beautiful. But Crazy. But dangerous. Dangerous, crazy beautiful Death.

one hand holding the noose, the other the knife to cut it free, I am suspended in the air. Not allowed to jump, but not allowed free – my love and hate are one and there is no going forward. Only static, white noise, ghosts of movement, mocking.

Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet looks into this impossible conflict – this fatal vow –

My only love sprung from my only hate.

Too early seen unknown, and known too late.

Is this all just Too Early seen and Seen too late? In Death, Will my Peace serve to stop Fears, or will my Fears serve to banish Peace….

All I know is that death should be a Fear, it should never offer Peace. The Peace it offers mine in the Peace for an unstable mind, the kind of peace that is born from failure, from Hopelessness.

It is life, not death, in which we have the chance to find our Peace. The chance to nurture it. And take it with us as a barrier against the Fear of Death.

Never let your deepest desire and your deepest Fear become one  – YOu will never have the chance to Live.

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One thought on “Fearing my Desire

  1. It’s been quite a while since your last post…
    I hope you keep on writing!
    Keep on living and keep on writing. Sometimes that’s all we have!

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