Depression and Wasted Time

The ever present threat of time and the spontaneous Nature of it’s end should be enough to keep moving people forward. Should be enough to make woes and tears wash away, smothered by the creeping light of a new day. One should surrender to the dark magic that is night. Close eyes and allow the mind to purify. For sleep is absolution, a daily cleanse of sins to allow movement forward, up, away. Every person, regardless of simple of exceptional minds, has dreams. Visions of themselves, installed to give them desire to join the wave around them directed for the inevitable, endless, time.

It should not take drugs or therapy to convince one that Sadness is a state of mind, that left unresolved turns into Illness. Like the eruption of Mount Vesuvius over the city of Pompeii, freezing all life in motion , Depression sentences one to a static life. A pause, White Noise. It goes against Nature, the onward flow of life, thus why it all feels so wrong and incredulous.

So why does this happen to minds? Is a depressed mind a malfunction,  freak, something unforeseen and unintended? Or is there purpose for it? Does Nature need a counter-force of sadness to balance it’s scales?

Is Depression Nature’s sacrificial lamb to give the world Greatness?

Yet …

Depression does not deserve such worldly and purposeful literature. It is personal, selfish and weak, no matter how strong the former self was. They become all those things. It’s diversity makes it hard to  diagnose and impossible to rationalize. There is no minority, no race, no gender, religion, nationality or circumstance more susceptible to it’s breath. Like air – it’s everywhere and nowhere all at the same time, and will be exhaled, Natural and transparent. Only, it is infected air, and it poisons, not the body nor the form, but the soul, the heart, the mind.

The ever present threat of time and the spontaneous Nature of it’s end is not enough to cure my mind. I do not join the moving front. There are Fear’s in my world far worse than death, and walls higher in my mind than there is on land. My tears run free as they are drawn out by the creeping darkness of each night. I surrender to the trickery of Nightfall and am haunted, awake and restless. There is no purification, only infection as the absolution mocks my awakened soul. As every person, regardless of simple or exceptional minds, I Dream. Vision myself joining the wave that surrounds me, directed at a future.

But with the dawn of each new day, I am still. I am still, static, and stone. There is no forward. Only Depression, and wasted time.

Sian Alexia


Open Mind – empty tomorrow.

Open –frank and honest: not trying to hide anything or deceive anyone
open hostility ;

receptive: ready and willing to accept or listen to something such as new ideas or suggestions
I’m always open to suggestions ;

vulnerable: in a position in which blame, criticism, or attack are likely
That remark left him open to criticism ;

So many times in my life I have repeated like it was my Dogma … I have an open mind …. Have an open mind …. Don’t close your mind with judgment …. a true artist has a free and open mind

Not once did I stop to think what  having an ‘open mind’ actually means. Not once did I consider, what it was setting me up for.

As logic implies, it means having a vulnerable Mind.

One accessible by ideas, diversity and question ….. but also judgments, darkness and insecurity …  There is a swinging door in my mind. This open mind that I strived for put it there – made cause to lock up my walls in Fear of what might enter.

With an open mind I looked out on life,  and thought with fervor, come on in! educate me, make me know – know myself, know them, know happiness, sadness and truth …. I want to feel it all, breathe it all, smell taste CRAVE it all! everything, nothing, all at the same time. I want to be weathered, battered, spent and real.

education came, sometimes easy, sometimes experimentally hard. I thought I knew things, but I have never known myself. I feel I have no place in claiming to know others  – for how do I know if their mind is a fellow open field? I feel , I breathe, I taste and god , do I crave. But is that all ? isn’t there more? Am I lost?

For all this, for all the promises and ideals and desires …. I wish to reveal the hidden darkness, the shadowed reality and the poisonous sting of having an Open Mind….

It’s not impossible to close an open door you know. I think. Thoughts then haunt, as I wonder how I lost control. It is my fault – and I surrender. I looked too far and sunk too it my fault?

I opened up to the world – welcomed it in like an ignorant child. Caught up in my own web of chaos I thought I saw it all – I thought I owned it all. a fool , I thought I was Real. The world was Real. and I was in it – but  ….  I stood on a cliff and spread my arms in the air, without Fear of Fall

… and then fell. Now as I hit rock bottom ,I am left with only guilt, Terror and pain. I should have been more careful … I should have stayed away …. why was I so , resigned? My mind is not full of life, not open to this day. My mind Is completely empty, as It opened I lost all I had, victim of temptation, victim of greed. Victim of life and its trickery, it’s vulgarity.  It’s injustice.

With an open mind I looked out on life,  and thought with fervor, come on in! educate me, make me know – know myself, know them, know happiness, sadness and truth …. I want to feel it all, breathe it all, smell taste CRAVE it all! everything, nothing, all at the same time. I want to be weathered, battered, spent and real.

I am dead , dont you see ? Dont you see what you did?

dont play victim, it is was in your hands. You took it. You grabbed at it. You stole it. You wanted it. And now, nothing is yours – everything is gone, and you ….

……..Have an Open mind. Empty, Open, Mind.

Finding False this Freedom


So seemingly serene. Liberating, Peace and Divine.

The sacramental  language of artists and the dream of the worlds best minds.

It shatters barriers, time zones and circumstance, pushing light into the future.

Freedom is the promise of a new day, shrouded in mystery and magic.

Though live a day, following in Freedoms shadow, and the surface is no longer so clear.

The purity of Freedom is tarnished, as it’s promises prove a ruse.

Freedom is deceptive and cruel, leading those who need to none. It’s manipulating minds to insanity, as the fruits of

it’s labor remain out of reach.

The borders still exist, if not on the land within Minds. What stopped us once still haunts us.

In it’s shadow Fear will rule.

The best minds sought after Freedom, as the best minds discovered darkness.

An artists canvas, scratched of dreams, offers images of suffering forms.

Literature thrives on the lost souls, the ones that were forgotten in pain.

Freedom took lifted the veil of safety from their eyes, and showed to them the dangerous designs.

To fight for a cause, once a glory, ends in death, bloodshed and greed.

Promise him eternal freedom, and he’ll take his own life with that of your child.

Since when is killing for power a medal that we wear with pride?

Where is this Freedom we are chasing, and how is one Free once they are gone?

There are no Worthy Sacrifices, only Willing Executioners. Human desire pushed to madness, the world Ends in sight of

it’s Truth.

Freedom,  so seemingly serene. Liberating, Peace and Divine.

The sacramental language of artists and the dream of the worlds best minds.

Freedom is deceptive and cruel, leading those we need to none. It’s manipulating minds to insanity, as the fruits of

it’s labor remain out of reach.

The Borders still Exist, If not on the land Within Minds. What stopped us once still Haunts Us.

In It’s shadow Fear shall Rule.

S. Alexia. (me)

swinging pendulum

I am actually having a really good day ….. shock of the day right?!

It is hard right now though, you know? Now I am not sure what to do, because the Fear is taking over telling me that if I am not careful , it will go – that feeling of just , good – and it wont come back and I will be left with this empty shell of anger, hurt , loneliness and ….. Terror.

ugh, yup, I can already feel it draining away as my mind takes over and dispels any goodness. My mind is my worst enemy … it works against me. Until the day that I can turn against my own mind , and listen to others before myself, I am fighting a losing battle.

there is so much in life that should make you smile. But i guess smiling isn’t the issue. I mean, i can look out the window and see a beautiful cloud, and smile and think, that’s nice, listen to a crazy song that makes me chuckle, and grin when looking down at my cat purring like a motor. But it is after the smile that I am concerned about. Ib despite of the beauty in this life, I am still able to back down into darkness and loneliness. I let all those things mock me – but are they? No. really I think they are offering themselves to me while I turn my head and listen to my infected mind tell me that they are mocking me, telling me I will never be good enough to enjoy and appreciate these things, that I cannot smile, and mean it …

Corollary of a smile. that will be my next piece I write ….

guilt, shame, sorry

I am sorry for so much that I have done in my life, so much pain that I have caused, I wonder if i am really proud of anything? I wonder if there is anything that I can look back on and think, well, that was good, and you did it, so that made you a good person. I know I am not a bad person, but I don’t feel like I am good either. blank. That is a good word to describe me and my life I think …. well – seems not as there has been plenty of fire works, passion and pain, but through it all I have been blank, born blank, live blank, blank blank blank.

I am proud to have the mother that I do, she is my world and she is the one person in this life that I look up to and know her heart is true and full. But that is nothing to do with me, all I have done is hurt that already bruised and battered heart.

I am proud to have the father that I do. He has loved me , so unconditionally. Barriers of pain, difference, and unspoken words never kept him away. and for that …. how do I repay him? He doesn’t deserve the darkness of my flight.

I have helped friends, but who hasn’t ? I have written stuff, but who cares?

I haven’t ever done anything that will make me remembered. And once that was all that I wanted for my life. I guess part of me accepts my life as a failure already even though it’s not over yet ?

Nowhere is Everywhere

Nowhere is Everywhere

it is not here , so where is it?

for once I am shielded


Don’t take me away

I am smiling

Leave me forever this way

If I cannot have Bliss

Then why Teach it?

Feed me full,

flightless birds

Feel empty again

Winged promise

I am below and alone

won’t you take me in

though I’m bleeding?

Wont my wounds

Suffice ?

the cross,

its up upon my brow

And I know you hold a


It’s not here, so where is it?

The looking glass is making me


alas, now

Forget the day

forget night

I fear I am standing


Sian Alexia (me)

secrecy and denial – be gone!

I have thought of a theory and I really need to tell you all about it…. so listen , or well, don’t listen, it’s probably all rubbish, but Hey! Here I am …. writing it here ….

I think that the one thing that helps this illness thrive is secrecy and privacy and all that fucking denial. ….

We all look at these things like they are subsequent and just outcomes of all this shitty illness. But they are also causes. they are what I like to call the tools of the trade.

Awareness, reality, truth, honesty, company.

How many of you got shivers and bowed your heads as you read these words? or just thought, God damn it Sian why do you have to dig up my demons every time?

well, they are the words , the things that we all need to re-introduce back into our lives. They are the things that will help you recover and help you stop all the pain …. and there is so much pain .

So what I am I actually saying? I am saying that people around you need to be aware, need to be told what you are going through so they can see the signs and know what helps you and what doesn’t before it is too late.

YOU need to face up to reality, the real stuff that you spend all day hiding from. Like me, today, hiding from the fact that I miss my friends and I hate the fact that one of my high school friends has just been killed and I knew nothing about it until after the funeral was over …. yeah, I am avoiding life. where the fuck is reality in that?

You need truth and honesty, because without it? you are going to be forgotten, to yourself. it is truth and honesty that give you core, without them, you are no one. You will wake up one day and be completely lost, and unfamiliar, and scared. You will regret every lie you ever told and there will be nothing that you can do about it because it will be too late. No one will know the truth of you , because there will be no truth in you at all. And trust me, no one wants to go there ….

Company. People around you, people who love you, are the chains that keep you linked to this earth and alive. They are the chains that keep you locked away from the dangerous sides of yourself and the shitty sides of life. There are always going to self-destruction and there is always going to be fucking shit ass sides to life, but there is also always going to be chains, chains of love. And you have to let company in, because without it , you are alone. And alone, the illness has you in its grasp.

The illness hates all these words, because fuck , it wants you to be alone and it wants you to be dead and it wants you to be failing. Failing life, failing everything. It wants you dead.

So you want to end up dead? I know the answer to that. You don’t. Until you have actually been lying on your death-bed, which I have and I am not saying that for dramatic effect and if you think I would lie about something like that you deserve no respect from me….. until then , you don’t know anything about it. Because I guarantee you, in that moment, you would give ANYTHING not to die. give ANYTHING to survive.

Bottom line.

I don’t know about you, but I think privacy and isolation allow the illness to thrive.

As soon as it is illuminated in a public sphere, it loses it’s strength.

I think the more you put it under the spot light and get it out in the open, the less control over you it has.

that’s my theory. Don’t judge me.